it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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