I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
