Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
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He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
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My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos