There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
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I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
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Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed