so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You dont lie about slip and slides
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
