Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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