You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
