Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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