I'm gonna have a badass scar
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back