Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
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And to think..we used to do everything sober...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
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i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.