I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
