"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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