How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
