JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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