I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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