He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
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All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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