then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
