I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
