i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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