I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
