I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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