If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
