remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
