Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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