The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
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I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
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Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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