my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
