Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
