I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
