Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
