matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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