She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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