The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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