So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
