the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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