This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
