We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
