just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
