so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.