how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
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Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
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Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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