Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
