i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
