You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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