before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
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I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
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The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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