I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
