just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
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My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
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A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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