Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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