shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
