The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
