You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
