We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
