Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
