Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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