The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
