I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Blood and glitter go together right?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
