yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
