and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
