I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
