Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
